Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
So apparently I’m into choking now
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