I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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