im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
