if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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