allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
