i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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