You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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