my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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