i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
