I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize