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• (925): View more from California

  Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.

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• (773): View more from Illinois

  Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.

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• (440): View more from Ohio

  pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.

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• (347): View more from New York

  Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude

  (650): View more from California

  So your saying just a blow job?

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• (270): View more from Kentucky

  Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.

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• (310): View more from California

  Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"

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• (406): View more from Montana

  Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink

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• (636): View more from Missouri

  Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.

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• (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap

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• (773): View more from Illinois

  I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."

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• (916): View more from California

  Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.

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• (785): View more from Kansas

  Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season

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• (602): View more from Arizona

  My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets

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• (540): View more from Virginia

  The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks

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• (203): View more from Connecticut

  You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups

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