I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
