When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I supernannyed him into submission
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
