I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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