What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
