Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
How drunk are you?
Completed.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
