Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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