Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
