did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
