Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Randomize
