having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
