Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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