I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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