remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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