A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize