I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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