Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
