oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
