In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Why can't burritos get me drunk
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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