Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Tell her she can't have a vagina
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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