Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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