i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
i now understand why vodka
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
