I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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