I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
