you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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