I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Too much gin, very little bucket
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
