this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
