Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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