really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just want to make out with him forever
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
