I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
