if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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