Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Sex in the backyard? Check.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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