if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
