Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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