so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
