Where did you get a picture of my penis
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
apparently the secret to your success is patron
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
