Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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