I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
