I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize