the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
