I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
