we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
