Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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