Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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