I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
