I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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