At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
there is glitter all over my balls
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