I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
