Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Such a big mess for such a small penis
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
