Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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