worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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