someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
