Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize