If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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