the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
