Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
