Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
what the fuck happened to the tacos
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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