A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize