i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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